Jumat, 20 November 2009

Parenting as an art of relationship

Just got back from a very interesting meeting that supposed to talk about parenting. What made it interesting was not the topic itself or the fact that the speakers are all gentlemen, one fact that intrigued me at first, but the perspective that they brought.

Well, as someone who believe so much in child right, I see my role as a parent in this parenting game is to serve that right, coz every child has the right to have a good parenting to help them see their potential and their purposes in life. With this philosphy then I never try to find an easy way to shape my children, coz the objective of parenting was not to shape her/him to be something that is good in our eyes. It is meant to be a long and windy road.. Just like every relationship we have in this life. Its an art..

They are talking about ways to manipulate the mind and the feeling of our children, based on their knowledge on neurolinguistic. How you can solve problem and make others to do what you want without feeling obligated, that we try to implemented what good according to us to the back of their mind. WOW!!!

Me myself, I would not want my husband, my love, my parents nor my best friend to manipulate me. The difference between manipulating and try to make her/him see our point of view is very thin!!! But I believe that in any relationship, be it between lovers, spouse or parents and children, the key is respect. Both parties must respect each other. No one is higher then the other. The there comes the art..

Then what is the objectives of pareting? Every books I read about this subject always tell the same thing, to prepare our children for their own life in the future. Then from that the intrepetation differs. Some then tries to gather all the information you can get on how life is working then give them to the chilren. By this they have to realy put it in detail and traine the children in the best way possible. Hoping that they can learn everything they need to know about life. Unfortunetaly we are not fortune teller, there is no way we can predict how life would be like in their adult time. So we frantically searching high and low to gather more information and believe me..one day we got very tired and could not keep up with the era.. There will always be something new.. and your children will always confused when they face with a new situation or challanges. Why do we do something that can only make us confused? And when we are confused, we tend to loose our coolness and become a monster for our children and in time the essence of parenting, which is a good relationship between parents and children, will not be achieved.

Children are very well equipped with all the tools to learn. They are meant to be a learning creature. Maybe they don't know much now but that doesn't make them a stupid creature. They are learning and they learn faster than you think they are. So the best think we can do is to respect that abilty. By respecting it then we don't feel compelled to gather all of the information. Just teach them how to think. Give them examples on how to see where you are going, to stop for a while before doing something, to gather all the information before making decision. After you gave them examples then respect their right to be involved in their own life. To fully involve in their own life. Giving them freedom doesn't mean to just let them loose..nooooo. But I think we also need to teach them how to see our own strentgh and weakness, that we are not perfect and from that imperfectness we need others to help us. So teach them how to get help, who to ask for help. That is I think what they mean when they say be your children's friend. It's not that we have to do all the children, teenagers or youngsters stuff with them. But we all know that sometimes we trust our friends more then our parents. So the messege was realy, be someone that your children can trust. Build a respectfull, trusting and loving relationship with y our children. And that is the art...

Do not ever think that you love them too much.. There is no such thing. No love is too much.. But in that love, remember to respect your children right, remember to always give them their own room to grow and just be there as their loving parents. When they feel that, then they will discussing almost anything with you, not to ask for your guiadence but to be their partners. Do not give them answer, instead, provoke their thinking and let them make their own conclusion and decision. One that they can fully responsible of.

So..that is the thought they provoked in me..